Day 143

Today was a long day at the end of a long week. I worked 17 hours yesterday - at the office. I am not complaining (or maybe I am? or am I bragging? hmmm... perhaps this mention was entirely unnecessary - yes, I think so - but now it's out). Anyway, I shouldn't be complaining because I still have a job after my company did a big round of lay-offs on Tuesday. And it happens to be a job I like. A lot. 

Regardless, my work week was a little out of balance and ended on a somewhat stressful note. Full confession: Today, from 4:55 to 5:10 pm or so, I cried in the car. (Yeah, yeah, me crying is like someone else sneezing... but after lots of days that require precarious work/life juggling and too few hours of sleep, I break down.) 

If this shark were chasing me, on land, I think I might be able
to run a 10K at a 8-minute-mile pace. Just maybe.

Luckily, I have great friends who pick me up. Ri made me and the boys dinner - pork tenderloin, sweet potato fries and baked beans, mmmm - while Jon took his turn at working late (on a Friday, poor guy). Note: the dinner invite was not in response to my cranky, weepy state. It came hours before the tears. 

And when I brought the boys home to put them to bed, Ri came with me, while Jon stayed to watched the NFL draft with Chris. The idea was to have a glass of wine when they were tucked in but bedtime took longer than expected. 

And then... then... I check the mail to find that my incredibly thoughtful friend Amy sent me a running mix (!!!) that she'd made for me--and this insanely realistic-looking shark card. Which is awesome and hilarious. Sharks terrify me--and, yet, I am obsessed.

My friends rock. I am lucky, lucky girl. (Yes, HT and Dibs, your tribute is coming. Be patient.)

Day 70

Given that I've worked at a food magazine for nearly six years and I fancy myself as someone who knows quite a bit about food, I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I thought that this popcorn--purchased yesterday at Healthy Living as a treat for me and Jon--would pop up in a variety of vivid colors. Alas, I was wrong. Must be some sort of fancy "heirloom popcorn." (Smile.) In any case, it was quite tasty.

From this... to fluffy white (with a couple of yellow) poofs.
Can you believe it?

And here's a secret: You needn't have an air popper to make delicious popcorn. All you need to do is stick 1/3 cup of unpopped kernels into a brown paper lunch bag, roll it down once or twice and secure it with a piece of masking tape and then hit the "popcorn" button on your microwave (assuming there is one). If not, just popcorn it the way you would the packaged microwave popcorn, the kind of the fake buttery smell. When the pops slow down, it's done. Dump it into a bowl. Sprinkle it with a little water and shake in a tiny bit of salt. Mmmm... 20 calories per cup, my friends.

I had this nice little snack (a whole grain, it is!) after returning home from a relaxing evening with Lisa and Ri. We "watched" The Bachelor and I got my first taste of Courtney, who sure does make for obnoxiously great TV. But you know what? Put me on that show with those sharks and I would have created fabulous drama. If there's anything I fear more than driving, it's sharks--you know, growing up in Western Pennsylvania and all. I know it doesn't make sense so I'm blaming Marcy the babysitter who let me watch Jaws when I was 5. 

Days 47 - 49

I recently wrote a story about fear (when it'll run, I'm still not sure). Given that I'm pretty much an expert on the topic, I certainly could have reached my 1800 words by simply listing all the things I'm afraid of. But like any respectable journalist, I spoke with a dozen experts, read a bunch of journal articles... and interviewed many women. I learned a lot (none of which immediately alleviated any of my fears ... though I'm working on a bunch of them.)

In my reporting, what struck me the most was the fact that we use "fear" to describe all sorts of different things: panic, worry, anxiety, anticipation, stress, lack of confidence. I'm quite well acquainted with all of these guys.

For example, when I'm about do something physically scary, like snowboarding, I anticipate (exiting the ski lift), then I worry (about failing underneath the lift and getting hurt), then I panic (when it comes time to exit the lift), then I fall, then I stress about looking like a jackass, then I feel like a loser because I live in Vermont and can't ride like everyone else. Feeling like a loser = lack of confidence, which makes me anticipate/worry/panic the next time. Vicious cycle. (Fact is, I'm much better at snowboarding then I am at getting off the lift.) So anyway, this weekend, I started anticipating taking Jules ice-skating by myself... I don't totally suck at skating but I live in Vermont, where everyone is seemingly hardcore and often current or former hockey players.

Then I remembered something I'd heard that morning on Dino Train (um, yeah, the PBS cartoon): The anticipating of [trying new foods] is harder than actually eating them. Or something like that. It was spoken by a (cartoon-version of a) wise "Confucius" bird.  And this Confucius quote was totally true for the skating. Relatively speaking, among the other "public" skaters, I was pretty average, perhaps slightly above. Jules didn't break a leg. He didn't cry. And once he got a post-skate cocoa (which he sipped while we watched an awesome women's hockey game), he claimed that ice-skating was his new favorite activity. It was a fun date.

Later in the weekend, while stressing/worrying about my lack of a censor (am I annoying? offensive?), my lack of Vermont-appropriate interests and skills and feeling generally anxious about, well, all of the quirky traits that make me me, Jules walked in with Ri's iPad and said, "look Mama, here's that song that you love" and showed me this video:

Totally just what I needed. And hmmm.... maybe I should quit worrying that my kids get too much screen time and watch a little more myself.

Day 1

Today is my 36th birthday  and, if all goes well, I get 365 more days of being 36 because 2012 is a leap year. Since I'm into number-y things, I think this is pretty cool - all these 3's and multiples of it. (3*4 = 12... there are 4 people in my family and one of them is 3 years old. We have 3 pets.) I could go on and on...

Every year, I set resolutions on my birthday. It gives me a head start on the New Year's thing... and it makes more sense to me. For example, in my mind, I think, "I ran my first marathon when I was 26" (wow! a decade ago)...

Here are a few of the goals for my 36th year:

• Conquer fear of driving (Tackling Montreal. Then Boston, then NYC)
• Run a 10K in TK minutes (still working on the goal - but it's going to be faster than a 9:15 minute mile!)
• Learn to sew. How cool is this place, Nido? First project: Pimp bathrobes for the boys. 
• Plan an awesome party (this is more specific that it sounds).
• Reflect upon something for which I'm grateful every single day. Here's today's:

PS: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm going to try to be a nicer person, work out, quit eating  dried fruit as if I'm still nursing a baby 8 times a day and need an extra 600 calories, read more, yada yada - but I'm ALWAYS aiming to do that stuff...